The Slippery Slope of Parenting: How Parental Anxiety Affects Our Children
WRITTEN BY: Ellie Yoon, ASW
The Slippery Slope of Parenting
As parents, whatever age or season our children are in, our hope is for their health and happiness. Often, our goal is to prevent them from experiencing suffering that would get in the way.
We would describe a parent who is thoughtful, attentive, and protective as a good parent, a parent who loves their children. Who would ever think this love, this protection could actually harm our children?
It’s a slippery slope from love to harm.
Healthy Development: Connection, Autonomy, and Competence
Let me explain.
Children need connection, autonomy, and competence to be healthy, happy, and confident, and it starts when they’re a baby.
A principle called “serve and return” describes the back-and-forth interaction between babies and parents. Babies babble, cry, or smile and parents respond with cooing back, feeding, or smiling. As the baby serves (or asks for attention), and we return (or meet their need), the baby develops a secure attachment to the parent and a strong foundation of connection is developed.
But there comes a time, earlier than we’d like, when we have to lengthen the cord in order for them to develop autonomy.
But what happens when our desire to protect our children or to prevent unnecessary suffering is driven by… our own anxiety? What if it gets in the way of what they really need?
What if the way we “love” is really a way to relieve our own anxiety? Ouch. I know, that hurts.
And this is where parenting gets tricky.
It’s a slippery slope.
The Long Journey of Letting Go
In each season, letting go might look like:
Letting the baby wobble across the room only to fall as she tries to walk.
Letting the toddler explore the jungle gym without holding their hand.
Letting the preschooler walk off to his first day of class when everything in you wants to follow.
Letting the elementary-age child resolve a friendship conflict on their own.
Letting the middle schooler miss P.E. class because they forgot their gym shorts.
Letting the high schooler drive off in the car on their own for the first time and praying, “Dear Lord, protect them.”
Leaving the college student in their dorm room wondering if they’re going to starve, do the laundry, or make friends.
Leaving the young adult to walk their own path, even when you want to hold on.
It all sounds like such a normal journey and yet, isn’t it excruciatingly painful at the same time?
It’s painful because we love them and want the best for them, but in every stage, we have to stop intervening and we have to let go.
It’s a slippery slope to letting them and leaving them.
Overprotective Parenting and Parental Anxiety
We want to hold on longer than we ought. We want to prevent and protect more than we should. We want to accommodate and make things easier more than we need to.
Often, signs of overprotection are subtle and well intentioned:
Constantly checking in
Needing reassurance your child is okay
Doing things they’re completely capable of doing
Stepping in to prevent emotional discomfort
Saying, “Let me just…”
Parenting alone doesn't determine whether a child struggles with anxiety; It's one of many factors that shape a child's mental health. But according to a Clinical Psychology Review meta-analysis by Bryce McLeod, Jeffrey Wood, and John Weisz (2007), overprotective parenting is linked to lower self-confidence, lower self-efficacy, and increased anxiety in children.
Overprotecting, rescuing, accommodating, controlling, demanding, or anticipating are different ways we try to prevent suffering for our kids because we don’t want to see them hurting. When they hurt, we hurt. Every parent understands this dynamic.
But when we cross that fine–the slippery line of overstepping–we have to ask ourselves, “Whose worry is this? Mine or my child’s?”
We have to determine if it’s our anxiety to carry on our own. If we place our anxiety on our children (unintentionally), we can rob them of opportunities to develop autonomy, competence, and confidence.
It’s a slippery slope.
Why Children Need to Struggle and Fail to Build Resilience
The goal of parenting isn't to eliminate every uncomfortable experience. It is to help our children develop the skills necessary to handle uncomfortable experiences.
Children and young people need to struggle, problem solve, fail, and get hurt (of course within reason). This is how they build life skills, strength, and resilience. All this builds confidence and the belief, “I can do it!”
Happiness does not mean a life without discomfort, disappointment, or anxiety. Our children need age-appropriate opportunities to endure discomfort, regulate anxiety, and solve problems. We cannot, and should not, protect our children from every challenge or failure. This is how they learn and grow.
Dear Mom… Dear Dad...
Let’s get out of the way so they can build confidence, one experience at a time, one skill at a time.
Let’s not let our anxiety get in the way.
Let’s do our own work.
How Parents Can Manage Anxiety at Any Stage
Whatever stage your child or young person is in, start now.
The first step is to manage ourselves.
Whether you have a toddler who could fall and scrape their knee or a young adult forging their own path, ask yourself:
Does it make me nervous? Does it make me anxious? Do I feel it in my body? Do I feel afraid?
Then ask, “Is this worry warranted?”
Sometimes it is. But here’s the tricky part: even if it is, we have to ask, “What is mine to carry and what is theirs to carry?”
We have to learn to manage our own anxiety so we don't unintentionally ask our children to carry something that belongs to us.
Start today.
Manage your anxiety and extend the gift of autonomy to your child, whether that's letting your toddler fall and get back up on their own or letting your young adult walk their own path. Take a deep breath. Say a prayer. And let them go.
It’s Not Too Late With Your Young Adult
You might be wondering, “What if it’s too late? What if I’ve already parented anxiously, being overprotective or too demanding?”
It’s never too late.
Even if you stepped in to help too often.
Even if you were too strict or too demanding.
Even if you lived with anxiety and placed it like a cloak on your child’s shoulders.
It’s never too late. You haven’t ruined your child.
Connection, autonomy, and competence are all still within your reach.
Start today by making amends.
Acknowledge the anxiety to yourself and to your young adult. If your anxiety has become a burden for your young adult, it’s not too late to take it back and carry it yourself.
You can parent your young adult with love and connection, not fear and anxiety.
It’s a slippery slope, but it’s never too late.
Support for Parenting Anxiety
If you’re struggling with parental anxiety, overprotective parenting, or the fear of letting your child struggle, you’re not alone. Learning when to step in and when to let go can be difficult, and managing your own anxiety is an important part of supporting your child’s growth and confidence.
Therapy can help you better understand your anxiety, recognize patterns of overprotection or accommodation, and develop healthier ways to respond to your child’s needs while giving them room to build autonomy and resilience.
At Defining Moments Counseling & Assessment Center, our therapists provide compassionate support for parents, children, teens, and young adults navigating anxiety, relationships, life transitions, and family dynamics. You don’t have to navigate these challenges on your own.
Ready to take the next step? Contact Defining Moments today to learn more about therapy for parenting anxiety and find support that’s right for you.
Source: McLeod, B. D., Wood, J. J., & Weisz, J. R. (2007). Examining the association between parenting and childhood anxiety: A meta-analysis. Clinical Psychology Review, 27(2), 155–172.
Please note: The views expressed in this article are those of the author and may or may not necessarily represent the perspectives of our group practice.