What I Wish You Knew: From a Therapist

When Faith (and Relationships) Hurt and the Answers Don’t Come

When someone is suffering, especially within a faith context, the mind naturally searches for meaning. Why did this happen? What did I do wrong? What is God trying to teach me? We try to make sense of what feels unbearable. That impulse makes sense. It comes from a deep longing to feel safe, held, and not abandoned. But healing does not always come from resolving the question. It often comes from understanding what the question is protecting inside of us.

Setting Boundaries Is Not Selfish

For me, setting boundaries didn’t feel empowering.  It felt cruel.  It felt selfish.

I was raised in a culture where you don’t say “no” to people older than you, or to those in positions of authority.  Respect meant compliance.  Love meant self-sacrifice.  Boundaries were seen as cold, individualistic, and – let’s be honest – too Western.

Things Get Better

When we are young, so many things feel like they will make or break our lives. Not getting into a hoped for school. Falling short on an important exam. Struggling to find where you belong. Losing a first love, or wondering if you will ever find one. Making a choice about your future and worrying you have chosen the wrong path. In those moments, it can feel as though everything depends on getting it right.

Shame is a Terrible Coach

Somewhere along the way, you learned that being hard on yourself means you are disciplined, humble, and committed to growth. You internalized the belief that being harsh with yourself is a necessary guardrail that it will keep you from becoming lazy, arrogant, or complacent etc. This is the lie that brings people to my office, week after week: I must criticize myself to become better. If I am not harsh with myself, I will repeat my mistakes. If I am not brutal with the truth, I will soften, stagnate, and fail to change.

You Have More Options Than You Think

Mental health struggles often leave us feeling stuck in our current situation. Negative thoughts begin to sink in: “Nothing is changing.” “I’m not getting better.”

But what if I told you that there are always options? That you don’t have to settle for the status quo, and that there are more mental health resources available than you may realize?