Setting Boundaries Is Not Selfish: Navigating Guilt, Family Expectations, and Immigrant Parent Relationships

WRITTEN BY: Eun Young Chung, LMFT

When I chose to come to the United States to study English, I made a promise to my parents:

I would come back.

I would make them proud.

I would become a professor.

Life, of course, had other plans.

Instead of returning home with the future I imagined, I found myself asking my parents to leave their comfortable, familiar life and come join me in the United States.

They said yes without hesitation.

Watching them uproot themselves to support me filled me with a gratitude so deep that it quickly turned into something heavier.

It felt like an unpayable debt.

An amount of love I could never fully repay.

I know my story is not the only immigrant story.

Others arrive under different circumstances, with different outcomes.

But many of us share this feeling: witnessing our parents' sacrifices in real time and knowing they gave up stability, comfort, and familiarity so we could have a better future.

That kind of love can make individuation incredibly difficult.

How do you choose yourself when your parents have given you everything?

How do you pursue a life that feels true to you without feeling like you are betraying the people who sacrificed the most?

Why Setting Boundaries With Parents Can Feel So Difficult

For me, setting boundaries did not feel empowering.

It felt cruel.

It felt selfish.

I was raised in a culture where you do not say "no" to people older than you or to those in positions of authority.

Respect meant compliance.

Love meant self-sacrifice.

Boundaries were often viewed as cold, individualistic, and, if I am being honest, too Western.

So when I tried to set boundaries, it felt like I was rejecting my parents' love.

Like I was minimizing their sacrifices.

Like I was choosing myself over them.

For many adult children of immigrant parents, this experience feels deeply familiar.

The guilt can feel overwhelming.

Understanding Guilt, Obligation, and Family Expectations

Many children of immigrant families carry an invisible tension.

On one hand, there is deep gratitude.

On the other hand, there is a desire to build a life that feels authentic and aligned with who they are becoming.

These experiences can coexist.

You can love your parents deeply.

You can appreciate their sacrifices.

And you can still need boundaries.

The challenge is that many of us were never taught that both realities could exist at the same time.

Instead, we often feel trapped between loyalty and self-betrayal.

Healthy Boundaries Are Not About Rejecting Relationships

What I wish I had known then is that setting boundaries is not something you do against a relationship.

It is something you do for it.

Healthy boundaries are protective.

They allow you to show up as your full and authentic self rather than a version of yourself that is quietly resentful, exhausted, overwhelmed, or disappearing.

Boundaries also give the people you love the opportunity to know the real you—including your limits.

Rather than damaging relationships, boundaries often create the conditions for healthier and more honest connection.

What Happens When We Avoid Setting Boundaries?

Without boundaries, relationships often operate on an unsustainable timeline:

I will keep going until I cannot anymore.

Until the resentment builds.

Until the exhaustion spills over.

Until something breaks.

Many people spend years enduring situations that feel emotionally draining because they believe saying "no" would make them selfish.

But avoiding boundaries does not eliminate tension.

It often postpones it.

The Cost of Silent Endurance

When boundaries are absent, people often experience:

• Resentment

• Burnout

• Emotional exhaustion

• Anxiety

• Guilt

• Relationship conflict

Over time, these feelings can strain the very relationships we are trying to protect.

Boundaries interrupt that cycle.

How Boundaries Create Healthier Relationships

Healthy boundaries create space for relationships that are:

• Honest

• Sustainable

• Respectful

• Mutual

They allow connection to continue—not because you forced yourself to endure it, but because you were able to remain yourself within it.

Boundaries help preserve relationships by preventing silent resentment from taking over.

When practiced thoughtfully, boundaries strengthen relationships rather than weaken them.

Setting Boundaries Is an Act of Self-Respect, Not Selfishness

Setting boundaries is not selfish.

It is how we protect our relationships from becoming something we can no longer carry.

It is how we honor both ourselves and the people we love.

And for many adult children of immigrant parents, learning this can be one of the most difficult, and freeing, parts of personal growth.

If You Struggle With Guilt, Boundaries, or Family Expectations

If this resonates and you find yourself struggling with guilt, obligation, family expectations, or the pressure to constantly put others first, therapy can provide a space to explore these experiences with care and compassion.

You do not have to navigate these tensions alone.

Support is available when you feel ready.

Please note: The views expressed in this article are those of the author and may or may not necessarily represent the perspectives of our group practice.