When I chose to come to the United States to study English, I made a promise to my parents: I would come back. I would make them proud. I would become a professor.
Life, of course, had other plans.
Instead of returning home with the future I imagined, I found myself asking my parents to leave their comfortable, familiar life and come join me in the U.S. They said yes without hesitation. Watching them uproot themselves to support me filled me with a gratitude so deep it quickly turned into something heavier. It felt like an unpayable debt. An amount of love I could never fully repay.
I know my story is not the only immigrant story. Others arrive under different circumstances, with different outcomes. But many of us share this feeling: witnessing our parents’ sacrifices in real time, knowing they gave up stability, comfort, and familiarity so we could have a better future.
That kind of love makes individuation incredibly difficult.
How do you choose yourself when your parents have given you everything?
How do you pursue a life that feels true to you without feeling like you are betraying the people who sacrificed the most for you?
For me, setting boundaries didn’t feel empowering. It felt cruel. It felt selfish.
I was raised in a culture where you don’t say “no” to people older than you, or to those in positions of authority. Respect meant compliance. Love meant self-sacrifice. Boundaries were seen as cold, individualistic, and – let’s be honest – too Western.
So when I tried to set boundaries, it felt like I was rejecting my parents’ love. Like I was minimizing their sacrifices. Like I was choosing myself over them.
What I wish I had known then is that setting boundaries is not something you do against a relationship. It is something you do for it.
Boundaries are protective. They allow you to show up as your full, authentic self instead of a version of you that is quietly resentful, exhausted, or disappearing. They give the people you love a chance to know the real you – including your limits.
Without boundaries, relationships are often put on an individual timeline: I will keep going until I can’t anymore. Until the resentment builds. Until the exhaustion spills over. Until something breaks.
Boundaries interrupt that cycle.
They make space for relationships that are honest, sustainable, and mutual. Relationships that don’t depend on silent endurance, but on clarity and choice. They allow connection to continue – not because you forced yourself to endure it, but because you were able to remain yourself within it.
Setting boundaries is not selfish.
It is how we protect our relationships from becoming something we can no longer carry.
If this resonates and you find yourself struggling with guilt, obligation, or the weight of others’ expectations, therapy can be a place to explore those tensions with care. You are welcome to reach out when you feel ready.
Please note: The views expressed in this article are those of the author and may or may not necessarily represent the perspectives of our group practice.