You were taught a lie.
Somewhere along the way, you learned that being hard on yourself means you are disciplined, humble, and committed to growth. You internalized the belief that being harsh with yourself is a necessary guardrail that it will keep you from becoming lazy, arrogant, or complacent etc.
This is the lie that brings people to my office, week after week: I must criticize myself to become better. If I am not harsh with myself, I will repeat my mistakes. If I am not brutal with the truth, I will soften, stagnate, and fail to change.
Shame is a terrible coach.
Self-condemnation, shame and a harsh inner critic or whatever you call it, does not move you toward your goals. It is an anchor pulling you away from the very life you are desperately trying to build. You already know this approach isn’t working. You’re exhausted. You feel stuck.
And yet, loosening your grip on the voice that berates you feels “off”. For so long, you’ve clung to that inner critic, convinced it was your truth.
Very often, I wish you can see what I see on the other side of the room.
I see the undeniable, quiet evidence of your strength. I have watched you come back after loss. I have seen you sit in the chair when every part of you wanted to disappear. I have watched you tell the truth about things you were once too ashamed to name.
You think your endurance is proof that the punishment works. But that is the ultimate illusion.
I remember learning to swim. For my body, putting my head underwater meant instant panic and drowning. The idea that this very act could make me more buoyant felt impossible. My nervous system simply didn't believe it.
I, too, was once devoted to my harsh inner voice. I was certain it was keeping me safe.
In truth, it was keeping me small.
You are gripping it now in the same way. As if letting go would mean losing control, as if gentleness and kindness towards yourself would mean sinking.
But the truth is the opposite, and it is revealed by your own history.
You are not still here because you punish yourself.
You are here because your body learned how to endure, how to adapt, how to breathe through what once felt unbearable. Because even when you thought you were failing, you kept showing up. You kept trying. You kept surviving.
If you could see yourself through my eyes, you would see what I see: That you are one incredibly amazing human being.
Not someone being held up by shame, but someone already being held by their own inherent capacity for survival.
And that is why you can float.
If you are tired of being driven by shame and a relentless inner critic but unsure how to quiet it, you do not have to figure that out alone. Therapy can offer a steady space to practice a different way of relating to yourself. Contact us to schedule a free consultation or feel free to read about our therapists here.
Please note: The views expressed in this article are those of the author and may or may not necessarily represent the perspectives of our group practice.